The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
