How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
