I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize