it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you have to choose: penises or morals?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
