Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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