dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My feet surprised me
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
