okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
