It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
