She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
