the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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