I wish I could teleport
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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