were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
