When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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