my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
