sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
