I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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