first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
