I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
