I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
