i just wanna soil my oats bro
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
