Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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