I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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