you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
