So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
