My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
