I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
