My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
