I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
