I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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