Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize