I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
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