dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
