i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
