the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
