why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
