her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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