chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
