i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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