I showed him my bush... on skype.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize