Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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