Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
