I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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