I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
