you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I need water and some morals
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
