New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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