Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
