the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
