It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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