the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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