member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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