Yo dont text me then not text me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
