He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
