Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
