the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
