Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Someone shattered a urinal.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We need a shit load of segways right now
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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