Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
