I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
