I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I did not marry a roomba.
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