Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
