I just cut my nipple shaving
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
