There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
