just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
