dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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