Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
