Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
