you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
